As I expected, pushing away friends wasn’t so hard. In the end all I have is mum. Mum is the only human being I truly like on this planet and it hasn’t been easy for her to hear that even my love for her isn’t enough to make me want to stick around.

I’ve spent the past few months trying to convince my mum that suicide would be the best thing for me, it’s obviously been hard for her to hear this come out during my psychiatrist sessions.

Suicide isn’t easy but fuck me dead I wish it was.

I live by the rocks at Maroubra Beach, the thought of jumping off those rocks has been pretty romantic to me, but the one night I tried to walk over there I got as far as the end of my street before I felt some sort of force field that made me turn around. No amount of research makes it easier either; they’ve taken out most of the shit in sleeping pills now to prevent people killing themselves, even gassing myself in my GT-R wasn’t a sure and safe solution.

IE: I am a wimp.

I’ve recently had a few divine interventions. I speak to my Dad in the way one would speak to God, and my father has given me so much strength, much like how God, or faith could be seen as giving a follower a lot of strength. I had a strong man of Christian faith pray for me recently, his prayer was to let God show me signs in the next week to prove to me that he exists. The sign happened too, it was so fucking undeniably a sign, but I still question God. Can’t help it.

Right now I’m trying to just focus on small steps.

I haven’t slept in my bed, or for longer than a 4hr block for a good part of the year. I shower once a week, twice at most. I brush my teeth only when I need to see people. I realise the hole I’ve gotten myself into is massive, but doing things like cleaning out my wardrobe has been working for me lately. I’m still gaming a lot but I’m playing an MMORPG (Black Desert Online) which involves a whole lot of AFK activities, which lets me take breaks and do other shit I need to do. I’ve realised I’m a hoarder too, so badly that I have one of 3 rooms in the house so full of junk I can’t even open the door.

I’m on 2 types of meds which I’m still trying to dial in. I’ve cut down on the weed but I want to cut it out completely (rehab is on the cards if I fail a cold turkey attempt later this year). I’m seeing someone, she’s also a divine intervention, she’s hard on me, but that’s a good thing. I’m hard on her and that’s fucked, but I’m trying.

#findyourzen

Previous ArticleRendezvous at Waterview IV - A celebration of Heasmans Steering's 70th Anniversary
Next ArticleAntidepressants
Justin Fox

I’m the founder of Zen Garage, Australian INfront, JDM Style Tuning and VWGolf.net.au. I like to create things. I’m into everything Cars, Bikes and Design. In the 80′s I was into skating, mountain biking, and metal.

7 Responses

  1. Dennis Monello Jr Reply

    You don’t know me aside from a random dude on the internet, but let me tell you I have been there (two attempts and failed both times) It is not an answer to anything and I know you do not want to hear that or feel I am wrong and honestly that is fine I was like that too. I still get bouts of some what bad depression even if it has been 15 plus years since my last attempt. It really sucks but remember people do love and care for you no matter what your brain tells you and more importantly it’s true. I hope that you pull through this rough patch but if you do decide to do it just know people will miss you and you will be missed but don’t do it for them do it because you want to and no matter how you help yourself none of it is right or wrong you need to find what works for you there is no time limit on help or getting better it is different for everyone.

  2. KM Reply

    Be strong man, it gets better.
    Time heals all things.
    Just do you.
    Simplify.
    Breathe.
    Live.

  3. SM Reply

    Thank you for being so open. Mental ill health is still swept under the rug by far too many guys.
    I’m not going to try and understand how you feel, but I can empathize with you after going through my own battles three years ago. Fortunately I am still here today, and I’m forever grateful of this second opportunity. It’s not an easy path to walk, particularly when you feel like you’re alone.
    Having been part of the communities you’ve created when I was younger, I know you have what it takes to keep going, so I want to pass on my best wishes to you in what is undoubtedly your toughest battle thus far.
    Based on what you’ve said, you may not feel up to chatting with more people, but there’s an incredible human by the name of Dan Price that lives in Sydney (search him on google/social media), I’m sure would be open to chatting to you about his experiences too.
    All the best mate,
    From someone who doesn’t want to see you become a statistic.

  4. Santiago Zanoni Reply

    I do not know why I’m going to leave you this comment. Maybe because I went through that stage in equal or lesser measure. I lost my father, I was the head (maybe I still am) of a mother and two brothers. I worked all my life with my father, friend, partner, boss, employee, etc.) It was very difficult. I had many problems after his death. I’m just getting ahead of one of the few things he left me. Work on what you like and look for Zen in that. Neither the drinks nor the marijuana will help you, not even the sleeping pills. The only person who can help you is yourself. You have an excellent site, monetize it in the way that makes you happy. Look for Zen in the work you do. I can notice that you like it, because you do it very well. Nothing is going to give back (to me either) to those people that we lost. But when we lose in life (my marriage almost flies through the air due to my madness after death of my father) you realize that the divine and the earthly are different concepts. What is left of this world does not recover and only leaves pain to those who remain. The earthly hurts and leaves traces in our loved ones forever. I hope this is a footprint for you. From Argentina. A simple reader
    Santi

  5. Clayton Bridges Reply

    I know its a simple and seemingly ignorant thing to say. But based on what you’ve said, I think if you could manage to stuff a fucking decent meal in you three times a day, and sleep a bit more, just try and work your way in, I think it would help tremendously. The brain is tightly tied in to the rest of your body. There wont be a miracle pop or epiphany. But I think that if you looked at mental health holistically, and actually brought yourself to make small progress (really small, as small as you need, any progress is progress) and made positive changes in your life, I think it would help tremendously. I’m not trying to come from a place where I think I have all the answers. But I have been there, and I have escaped. It takes effort, and its a constant battle, and it seems easier to not deal with it at all, but you cant enjoy ANYTHING if you’re dead.
    PS. Maybe you need an ultimate goal, a purpose, a calling. Do you like wildlife? racing? poetry? What is it that you think makes you special and you can offer to the world in a unique way. What is it you have a moral obligation to fulfill?

  6. A Reply

    My best friend went through years of tough times battling mental illness. They truly believed the world would be better off without them, that they were a waste of resources, and that the time spent trying seeing professionals was wasted. It took a long time and a lot of support before they felt suicide wasn’t the only option.

    It didn’t help that some friends walked out on them. Mental illness is crap that way. You say and do things to people that push them away from you. There definitely are people who’ll see through it and stay but when they’re in that headspace they only see the downs and negatives. It’s a shit spiral and it takes energy to get out of it.

    I’m glad you’re still here today. It’s a tough road ahead but take it day by day or even hour by hour and you’ll get there. Acknowledging you have a mental illness is already a massive step. Seeking help is another huge step so good on you for that. When you’re ready, surround yourself with true friends. Friends who are incredibly patient and understand that you have issues but will still try to help you out of the spirals. They’ll help keep you on the path to find help.

  7. Frankie Reply

    Hi mate – Thanks for sharing, it sounds like there is a lot of negative energy (inadvertently) trapped within you. From what read so far, it seems like you have done what you can for a better life. But I would like to make so recommendations on treatments that have really helped me.

    1. Hypnotherapy – I’ve had some MAJOR mental blockages that held me down for most of my life. These blockages all stem from traumatic childhood experiences. I was suggested to try hypnotherapy, and I cannot speak highly enough of how it allowed me to heal, forgive and move on with my life. Each session is not too expensive and you will need to commit for a few sessions but I do believe it’s a great way to break those mental cycles.

    2. Reiki – Easy, non-intrusive method to healing yourself by removing dark energy within, and realign your chakras. Please don’t dismiss it as some mumbo-jumbo, new age hippy shit because we, like all living things, are made of energy, energy that often gets malaligned.

    3. Ayahuasca – Although I have not tried this personally, your story is very similar to a close mate of mine. He travelled to Peru to experience Ayahuasca at a retreatment centre. During his time there, he achieved (amongst other things) clarity with his personal issues, profound self awareness and spiritual awakening. Let me be clear that this type of “treatment” has no medical or scientific grounding therefore I am not advocating it but merely sharing a story of a mate who struggled with his own inner demons and was able to overcome them.

    I can recommend the hypnotherapist and reiki master that I used (happens to be the same person). She is currently in Brisbane and has changed my life in ways unimaginable. Obviously distance can be factor so I’m sure it won’t be difficult to find someone that can help you within your vicinity.

    I hope that helps in someway. I think it’s important to seriously consider alternative ways to heal especially if you have tried all meds on the market. My personal experiences have led me to believe that Big Pharma does not have your best interest in mind but only see you as a customer. The doctors that prescribe you the meds are only doing so because of the big incentives, bonuses and $$$ offered by pharma companies. Your welfare does not concern them.

    Happy to answer any question you may have.

    Cheers

    Frankie.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.